updated 05/27/2014 AT 5:00 PM ET
•originally published 05/28/2014 AT 1:45 PM ET
But exactly how has the actor garnered such an enviable list of beautiful women that would make even the most confident of men jealous? After seeing DiCaprio work his magic with a stunning brunette at the Gotha Club in Cannes on May 19, we’re pretty sure we’ve figured out the playboy’s foolproof plan to wooing any woman on the planet.
The model will undoubtedly question whether or not you are the A-list actor that you claim to be. You inform her that, first off, you always gain a few pounds when you are not filming a Scorsese film. And, second of all, look, you’re even holding an E-Cigarette so, like, how much more Leo could you be?
She’ll start to get distracted, check her phone, question whether it’s worth cheating on her boyfriend with someone she isn’t even sure is Leonardo DiCaprio, and that’s when you take a moment, think really hard and …
“Don’t you do that. Don’t you say your good-byes. Not yet. Do you understand me?” (beat) And then finish with, “I’m the King of the World.”
You flash that Leo grin, because of course that freaking worked and you charmed the crap out of her.
Soon she’ll start to realize, however, that all Leonardo DiCaprio wants to talk about is saving the tigers and ridding the world of AIDS, and so she’ll stare off into the distance, wondering to herself, “Why couldn’t I have met tonight instead? Why do I always get the boring celebrities who wear weird grandpa hats? Why me?”
No lady can resist a free drink, even for the sake of not having to push her way to the bar in this awful, overcrowded, miserable club. So you grab a Red Bull, mix in some vodka and before you know it…
Because gyrate is the type of word you use when you’re Leonardo DiCaprio and you’re almost 40 years old. “Fun dance party!” she says, having forgotten how boring you are. “Ha!” you say, “ ‘Dance party’ is what my friend Kevin Connolly calls these things.”
Before the booze can wear off, you yell, “Bruno, get the Maserati ready. Bianca and I are going back to my suite at the InterContinental.”
And with that, you, Leonardo DiCaprio, have wooed another model. Job well done, sir, job well done.
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