updated 07/10/2012 AT 8:00 AM ET
•originally published 07/10/2012 AT 8:45 AM ET
I swear I was anxious thinking about fantasy-suite dates even before agreeing to be on The Bachelorette. On the one hand, it’s great because you get that extra time to talk with the final three guys away from the cameras.
But on the flip side I know what “fantasy” is implying, and I’m not totally comfortable with that. I also feel like my relationships have been so honest and real that there was really nothing they could have told me overnight that would’ve changed my mind.
I started my week with Sean and, as excited as I was, I wasn’t really sure how he was feeling. He’s been open about his past, but not as much about his feelings for me. Because I’m feeling so much, that really scared me. The fact that he was with someone for three years, but still dodged the marriage conversation, made me worry.
I always felt like there was a wall between us. However, at dinner Sean’s letter to Ricki blew my mind. I had no idea he was feeling all of those things and in that moment I really did want those things with Sean, too. I left my date feeling like all my questions had been answered and that he very well could’ve been my husband one day.
After an amazing hometown date, I was really looking forward to seeing Jef, but I was also nervous about how his family felt about me. Knowing that I got their approval took a huge weight off my shoulders. Being on the paddleboard with Jef was the most peaceful I’d felt in a long time and I could’ve sat there forever, but I’m pretty sure he would’ve gotten tired!
I went into dinner with some questions but he had some questions, too. I loved that Jef had thought about those things because it showed me that his heart was in the right place. He really wanted to meet Ricki, but I wasn’t 100 percent sure about involving her yet, even though in order to really know me you have to know her. When I offered Jef the overnight card it just confirmed everything I already knew about him.