updated 07/11/2013 AT 1:00 PM ET
•originally published 07/11/2013 AT 9:00 AM ET
After successfully battling ovarian cancer for the second time and sharing her journey on PEOPLE.com, Diem Brown is back to blogging. This time around, she will not only share updates on her own life, but about competing on her new show, MTV’s The Challenge: Rivals II.
Comfort is something we all crave. We all want to feel stability when life throws us those inevitable curve balls. Comfort comes in many forms: in greasy food, a cozy blanket, your favorite rom-com and, of course, it also comes in drudging up past relationships.
On Wednesday night’s season premiere of Rivals 2 on MTV it was revealed that after my second cancer battle my comfort blanket came in the form of my ex-boyfriend, CT, who saw me through my first cancer recovery.
Now, for most people, once we close a chapter of a relationship we never have to see or interact with that person ever again. Once we say our goodbyes, you peel off the cute couple-y photos from the bedroom mirror, change your Facebook status and bury all those memories into a tightly-sealed shoe box shoved way back in your closet! Basically once you end that relationship chapter it’s done, it’s over, and that name shall never cross your lips again.
However, when people go through traumatic experiences, a loss of a parent, an illness etc., the line between rocky relationship reality and fond memories of support and comfort through your darker days becomes hard to decipher.
You remember working through your struggles and recall the person that stood beside you. You feel a sense of debt to that person for helping you push away that ominous dark cloud. Even though that relationship might have been full of intricate little flaws and heartache, you laser-focus your vision on how they helped you and those flaws become invisible in your eyes.
I have always said that balancing an illness and a relationship is never an easy feat. However, building a relationship based on debt is akin to signing a death warrant.
I’m not trying to portray all my past relationships in a negative light, however, I did put an enormous amount of pressure on them during and after my bouts with cancer. I was so appreciative and grateful for not feeling like a patient, for feeling normal and loved, that I started to attribute the exuberance of my recovery to the stability of my relationships.
The show forced me revisit that old relationship “shoebox” I had tucked away, and I had to analyze why I found comfort in certain memories. I am fascinated with analyzing. I love trying to figure out why people react the way they do. If you can find the source of a particular confusing action, you are able to take that power and control back.
That first night on the show, I was in my comfort zone, and it was deja vu for me. I felt like I was thrown back in time by seven years. So without giving anything away, I can promise you this much: this season of The Challenge will be one wild roller coaster!
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