updated 07/23/2013 AT 5:15 PM ET
•originally published 07/23/2013 AT 12:30 PM ET
Former Bachelor contestant Desiree Hartsock is calling the shots and handing out the roses as the current star of The Bachelorette. The bridal stylist will blog all season long on PEOPLE.com about her dates, the guys and the difficult decisions she must make. You can also follow Desiree on Twitter.
It’s not everyday you have all your ex-boyfriends in one room ready to put you on the spot, but that is exactly what I had to deal with on Men Tell All.
I was anxious, nervous and also excited to see all the men I had sent home. It was an emotional journey and I have nothing but fond memories – of most of them.
Before the shoot, I received advice from former Bachelorettes Emily, Ashley and Ali. Who better to talk to about how to handle some of the “bad boys” from my season? I know Emily really went after Kalon and Ali and Ashley were disappointed they were unable to address their bad boy cowards, Bentley and Justin “Rated R.”
Walking out on that stage brought mixed emotions. Seeing Zak W, Juan Pablo, and Michael, I wanted to run over and hug them. Seeing James and Ben, I wanted to turn and run, because I’m tired of the drama. But I remembered what my Bachelorette girlfriends told me, so I went for it.
Although that first night I was intrigued by Ben, my opinion began to change when I started having an intuitive, cautious feeling about his intentions. I also had concerns about his sincerity even before the guys approached me about him, so it was interesting to see his true colors when he went home in that limo.
I wanted to see if he learned anything about himself, but, unfortunately, he is the same man today as he was on the show. He wears a face of trickery, and I don’t think either of us will ever know who he really is.
Relief Is Sweet
It felt great to tell him what I thought, because I never wanted him to think that he got away with anything. I was glad to hear he regretted some of the things he said in the limo, and at the end of the day, I do hope the best for him.
Another questionable personality that stirred up a lot of drama in the house was James. He and I had a wonderful date in Atlantic City and a strong connection, so it was surprising to hear the things he said in private that contradicted how I felt about him.
I had a hard time deciding whether or not to send him home. Watching it back, I wish I had sent him home on those steps in Spain, but his words were too smooth for me to do that. I feel manipulated, like I was buying every word he was selling. I’m glad that after watching it back I was able to express to him how I felt about the situation.
There were a few guys I was really happy to see. Juan Pablo is such a great guy. He embodies many attractive qualities and not just his incredible good looks. I wish I could have explored that relationship more, but knew that I had stronger relationships formed and didn’t want to involve his daughter when I already knew that we didn’t have a future.
It was also great to see Michael smiling and looking happy, because I know that goodbye was a harder one for us both.
Seeing Zak W. was the highlight of my night. He lights up an entire room with his energy and smile, so I was hoping to see that come alive after an incredibly emotional goodbye. I adored his family and have always adored his outlook on life, but there was just something missing between us. It was difficult to face him, because we were both at a loss of words
The biggest surprise came when he pulled out his guitar and sang to me. It was such a beautiful song that expressed exactly how he felt about the goodbye and moving on. I love that he always has something new to share and can be vulnerable enough to express it. He is so deserving of love. I would love to see him have the opportunity to choose from 25 suitable women to find it. Who’s with me on that?
Overall, it was exciting and fun to see everyone at Men Tell All and to hear what they had to say after watching the episodes. It has been an unforgettable journey thus far, and I appreciate the men coming together once again to re-live the experience. And Brandon looked great and didn’t even cry!
Next week, tune in for one of the most emotional episodes ever – which is a really weird thing to write, because it is my life we are talking about here! It will be a defining moment for me in my journey to find love.
Thank you for watching and reading my bachelorette blog!