updated 01/31/2014 AT 10:00 AM ET
•originally published 01/31/2014 AT 4:00 PM ET
The 48th annual Super Bowl is expected to be watched by over 100 million Americans Sunday evening. But what about the other 200 million? Aren’t they entitled to a bucket of wings, a six-pack of American-style lager and quality television, too?
Luckily, there are plenty of other networks eager to help drown out the sound of millions of sports fans screaming at their television sets.
Here is a complete playbook for what to watch when you don’t want to watch football:
1. If You Need a Cute Break:
This year, the stiffest competition won’t be between the Broncos and the Seahawks, but between puppies and kittens. Just in time for the 10th anniversary of the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet, the Hallmark Channel will debut the Kitten Bowl, which is the exact same thing as the Puppy Bowl, but with kittens. If that’s not enough drama for you, Nat Geo Wild is airing the Fish Bowl, where fans can watch Goldie the Goldfish swim. For hours. Watch the press conference below:
2. If You Consider Dating a Sport:
There’s a Sex and the City marathon on E! from 6 to 9 p.m.
3. If You Like Sports, Just Not Football:
Lifetime is airing The Gabby Douglas Story at 9 p.m., which is the true story of the Olympic gymnast who overcame numerous challenges to become the first African-American to win a gold medal as the individual all-around champion. Need more non-football sports options? The Golf Channel will be airing golf, which pairs nicely with Bio Channel’s documentary Inside Story: Caddyshack, which of course pairs nicely with a Baby Ruth bar.
4. If You Prefer Football When It’s Kicked Into a Man’s Groin :
America s Funniest Home Videos airs on ABC from 7 to 9 p.m.
5. If You Know "The Game Is Afoot" Has Nothing to Do with Football:
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman star in Sherlock on PBS at 10 p.m.
6. If the Super Bowl Makes You Question Your Life Choices:
TNT is airing Tyler Perry s Why Did I Get Married? and its sequel, Why Did I Get Married Too?, starting at 8 p.m.
7. If Football Makes You Need to Vent:
There’s a self-explanatory Wives with Knives marathon on the ID Network and Oxygen has back-to-back-to-back episodes of Snapped, featuring women who snap and become killers.
8. If You Need a Reminder Not to Snap:
There’s a Cops marathon on Spike and a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit marathon on WE.
9. If You Think the Biggest Rivalry Is Team Jacob vs. Team Edward:
FX is showing a Twilight marathon starting at 8 p.m. followed by New Moon.
10. If You Prefer Period Drama to Half-Time Drama:
If you think that the Broncos vs. Seahawks rivalry has nothing on the latest round of Mrs. Patmore vs. Technology, Downton Abbey starts at 8 p.m. on PBS.
11. If You Prefer Analysis to the Actual Game:
The NFL Network is airing Super Bowl Game Center, which they are billing as the “best place on television to get up-to-the-minute scores and statistics during Super Bowl XLVIII.” Alternatively, ESPN has both SportsCenter and NFL Primetime.
12. If You Prefer Zombies to the Denver Broncos:
Catch up on The Walking Dead on AMC. The network is showing episodes all day.
13. If You Like Real Drama:
The Real Housewives of Atlanta is running all day on Bravo.
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